I had started to write this entry when my computer crashed. Was it Judy intervening? I only say this because what I wrote was an unrelenting diatribe about killing myself. I feel so low and so desperate that death would seem to be the only obvious option to the sheer hell of grief. Yet something is keeping me going. The thought of the pain and anguish it would cause my family is enough in itself. But I also know that there is a higher purpose to life and that whatever it is I must fulfill it. If I don't I believe there is no guaruntee that I will see Judy again. If I fail her in this life she will not want to see me in the next. My life has amounted to very little so far but through the experience of my life with Judy and through the courage I will gain from what come next I will try to achieve something to make her proud of me. To make myself proud. It will be hard and I'm not promising there won't be other days when I feel the opposite to how I feel right now, but somehow I will try to make it through this.