I never thought I would make it here. I am at my desk and thinking of the day when Judy called me to ask me to come home because she was feeling unwell. Nothing could have prepared me for the fact that later that evening she would collapse and three days later she would die. being here now seems so surreal. And yet staying at home or at Mum's any longer would have driven me mad. Staying away from 'normal' life does not change what has happened and so despite all my reservations I am here. I feel numb, I feel sad and I feel empty inside just knowing she is not at home, and I will not see her when I go home. But I am here anyway because I can no longer afford to stay away, and because there really is no alternative. I have decided to given myself two months before making any decisions. Though even after two months I'm not sure what I would do or where I would go but I think I will at least have some perspective by then. Right now I have none. I just have that dull heavy aching inside me which I know will not go away for a long time.