Words. It's all just words. It doesn't change a thing. Training the mind is what buddhism teaches. If you can master your own mind you can be truly happy. But what does that mean? It's just words. Am I supposed to believe that nothing is inherently real. It's all just a state of mind. Does this mean I am imagining Judy's death. Or maybe she never existed at all. Perhaps I just imagined everything. In which case why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel so utterly desperate? Be gentle with yourself Jason! Don't expect too much of yourself!. Nice advice but what does it mean? Nothing. It means nothing. It won't bring back my dear sweet lovely girl. It won't end my crushing loneliness. The truth is I do not expect anything of myself, except total un-ending misery. All these people who have said if I need anyhting, just call. Or you can visit any time. They mean well, but where are they? Have any of them called me? Or invited me to stay. Or offered to do one single thing for me. No they haven't. Because in truth they would rather just hope that I will get through this on my own. Because being around a gieving person is a bit too uncomfortable. Well I don't blame them really. I spent most of the last 15 years looking after Judy. I really didn't have time for other people. And now I am paying the price. It is my own fault. It's the price I have to pay for caring so much for one person. For loving Judy too much.