My dearest darling Judy. I am so sorry for the things I have said and the things that I have thought. The last entry in this diary was selfish. There are other people suffering as much as me. But sometimes the feeling of overwhelming loss is so great I just don't know what to do with myself. Remember when we were lying in bed once, not so long ago, and you said that you didn't think you would live a very long life. You did not seem very concerned by that. Maybe because of the ill health you had suffered you thought it would be better to die relatively young rather than grow old and suffer more. But I was too selfish to understand that. I just said I couldn't bear the thought of life without you. And if something did happen I would probably kill myself. You were upset by that but you said you hoped I would be able to re-build my life. Well here I am. I never really believed I would have to face this. But I am facing it now. And I haven't killed myself yet. Because to do so would be the ultimate betrayal. I love you so much my darling. And I could never do anything to hurt you or let you down. So even though I feel like giving up,I won't. Because I know you are watching me. And I know that you want me to live my life in a way that will make you proud. No matter where I go in this world and no matter what I do, or what becomes of me you will always be with me. In my heart. You are and will always remain the greatest love of my life. No one could ever have loved you more than me. And I WILL make you proud of me.