After Mum and Dad left yesterday I had to face up to being on my own for the first time. Of course it is easy to think of her as still being here around me, but neverteless her physical presence is not here and I miss her so much. But I made it through the night.I slept on her side of the bed with Lily close by. It was a comfort I suppose. This morning I went to post some letters and I went into the funeral directors. He said he would have the ashes for me by this afternoon. I will be going into work later and then visiting a friend, so I may be able to pick them up afterwards. I'm not sure what I think about the ashes. Will it be a comfort to have them in the house? I'm not sure. After all they are just ashes. They are not her. They will not speak to me. They won't tell me off for burning the dinner or breaking a glass. They won't ask me to give her a massage. No. They are not her. But I will keep them with me for now until I can decide what to do with them.