I feel so utterly bleak today. Knowing I will never see her again is just too much to bear. But I know I must soldier on. What else is there to do? At times I feel very strongly that she is with me, and at other times I feel utterly alone.I cared for Judy, and in doing so it gave my life purpose. Now she does not need me any more, and I feel like my life has no meaning. We moved to Devon only two years ago and now that she is not here I feel completely empty. This is not my home any more. It is just a house I live in. How can it be a home without her? Yet I cannot go any where else either. Where would I go? People have been very kind and I've had lots of offers of hospitality, but I can't keep going from one house to another like some routeless stray dog. The only thing keeping me here is our little cat Lily. Judy loved Lily so much and I know she would never forgive me for abandoning her. So I must stay here for now with Lily. For Lily's sake. But then what happens next year? Everyone will expect life to go back to normal. They will grow bored of my grief. The thought of work fills me with absolute terror. How can I care about the trivialities of television? How can I ever walk through that door again knowing that at the end of the day I have no one to go home to? At the moment I have the hurdle of Christmas to overcome. Then in the New Year Judy's family and I will plan a fitting memorial to our darling girl. It will keep me going for now, but I don't expect the pain to subside for a very long time.